christmas and loss

my last post was just before i got the worst news of 2010. truthfully, it was one of the worst days of my life. i was ill-prepared for it, to say the least. mammaw sadie was 99 years old, but i kind of thought she'd live forever. we always want "one more" christmas, "one more" phone call, "one more" visit, etc.
it was a merry christmas. but i was sad. i miss my family. i miss mammaw sadie. i have good days and bad. sometimes, the grief sweeps over me like a tsunami...totally consuming. i want to call her. i still have her phone number in my phone and each time i type "m" for mom, her name comes up, and it takes me aback. i want to dial that number. i want to hear her voice. i just wish i could talk to her again. actually, i still do talk to her, but, selfishly, i wish she could talk back. in a video i took of last christmas, i said to her "i know you miss cooking" b/c she had cooked since she was "tall enough to reach the table"...lol. she said "oh, tonia, i miss everything sitting here in this chair, taking those pain pills." i know her 99 yr. old body was tired, and i know she hurt. that she is tired no more, and hurts no more, i am grateful. but, oh god, how i miss her. she lost so many loved ones in her life. i can not even imagine living beyond my children...but she outlived 2 of hers. i know she was ready to see them again. on the good days, i remind myself of how she lives on...through the love that our family shares. i am thankful that my boys knew her, and will remember her. i made her chicken soup last week, and silas said "can i have another bowl? i know you put mammaw sadie's love in there". i am actually going to make little salt shakers that are labeled "mammaw sadie's love"...and have one for us and give one to jessi. how sweet will it be to let them sprinkle that in when we are cooking together? :)

 i didn't intend on babbling on and on here. it was a good christmas, and i am so thankful for the loving family i still have with me. i am hopeful for this coming year. that's really about all i have to say right now.

tonia

i have settled very nicely into my new *part time* job at the high school. i know many people are not able to say this about their jobs, but i am fortunate enough to say that i LOVE mine! it is perfectly suited to me. i am so grateful b/c my last job was not where i belonged...at all. i am happier, MUCH less aggravated, and have more time at home! it's great. and i have more time to myself, which is starting to bring out the creativity that had been suppressed (to say the least) as of late.

i am sharing this image of the boys because:
a) it is my current favorite image
b) i am getting more comfortable with my photography, and
c) it is an example from my recent lens purchase of: Nikon 35mm 1.8G (LOVE THIS LENS!)

so, this has not been a stellar year for my blogging. i had like 75 blog posts for 2009. total count for 2010 is: 16.

but....i am on my way back.

:)

Tonia

*home* (attitude of gratitude)

today, i am expressing my gratitude for the roof over my head. the roof over our heads.

we bought this house, our first *real* house (vs. base housing/apartment), in 2006. we are transplants to clarksville, transplants to tennessee. both of our families live in other states. we have lived in other states, and even one foreign country, over the course of our time together. clarksville isn't really *home* to either of us. i still find myself phrasing it as "when i come home" when speaking of visiting NC, and eric does the same w/ Ohio. but this house is *home*, too. both of our children started kindergarten from this house. eli and silas were both less than 5 when we moved here. they have made their first little friendships here. we have learned lessons here. we have all grown, in many ways, right here within these walls.

i love this house. i love that it is imperfect. i love that it is cluttered with my children's belongings (and mine!). i love when it is filled with family for a visit, and i love when it is filled only with ourselves. i love the way it smells, and the natural light coming in through the windows. i love having a fire in the fireplace when it's cold out (or even slightly cool..lol). and i thank God for the a.c. in the blistering summer heat! most of all, i love the love, safety, and warmth i feel when i'm here inside; this has very little to do with amenities, and very much to do with the people with whom i share my little life.

there are many things this house is not ("immaculate" comes to mind), but what it is is perfect for us. someday we will say goodbye to it, and though i am open, and even hopeful, to the possibility of moving some day, i will be saddened when it is time to leave. we will carry with us our memories, and create another *home* when that time comes. but this one will always hold a special place in my heart. this is really the house where we began. where we struggled. where we not only survived, but succeeded. no matter what kind of "roof" you have over your head, be thankful for it. it is what you have now that matters.

hahaaa

i'm alive....and tomorrow is my last day of sucky work!! i'll be on the lake, and then in nc for a while this summer before starting my new job as administrative asst. at the high school :) :)

march l/o's

for Scrap that Poetry design team :)

the first one is for Dr. Seuss's "Oh, the places you'll go":

and this one is for the "Irish Blessing":

i used much Basic Grey "Origins" on both, and on the Irish Blessing l/o, i mised in some new BoBunny.
head on over to Scrap That Poetry and play along with us....as always, we provide the inspiration in the form of poetry, and you give us your interpretation...any way you like! can't wait to see what everyone creates!

short and sweet

and to the point...THANK YOU, JACQUE for this sweet little journal!

 

 working 40 hours a week has sure knocked me on my @%*!! i don't know how you all keep up w/ scrapping, blogging, children, lives, and work full time. i think i will never understand that one! there is VERY little time left for anything after work/laundry/meals/kids...just enough time to wind down, sleep, and wake up to do it all over again. so, scrapping has taken a back seat, except for my design team duties at Scrap That Poetry. and blogging...the same. hopefully, one day i'll get used to it, and be able to WANT to scrap more, but right now, when i do have any free time, i just want to do nothing! 

oh yeah, and BASEBALL season is about to begin, so i'll barely be home at all w/ both of the boys playing!

i'll update ya'll if anything changes. :)

i do miss *talking* to many of you, my friends. i hope you are all well and having joyful days!

love, Tonia

love's a fire

that needs renewal.
design team work for Scrap That Poetry challenge blog :) come on over and play with us!!! poetry is so inspirational, and we love seeing all of your different takes on the poems!