Monday, October 12, 2009

the ugly truth

is about to be exposed...i was given one of my friend, Kim .... SOO.....

1.i've NEVER thought of myself as artistic (some of you may be nodding in agreement here), but i am starting to....i really FEEL it, and that's what matters, right? right.

2. we are living on one income, basically (i sub. teach), and it kind of blows. i mean, i am super grateful for all that we have, but it would be sure nice to have some extra $$ for a vacation.

3. speaking of vacations, i haven't been on one in many, many years. my husband was in the Air Force, so we moved around a bit, but i wouldn't call it "vacationing" this is a sad fact. and we NEED one.

4. i lost my best friend last year. she and her husband and daughter came to visit us for a month, and it was like starting a pressure cooker. we got on eachother's nerves so bad, and our friendship ended b/c of it.

5. i cry a LOT. i am so emotional, and always have been. i was painfully shy as a child, and if i ever felt like i was in trouble, had let anyone down, was embarassed, i would just lose it. i am not shy like that anymore, but i still cry a lot. and i usually do so for a good hour on thursday nights (8pm central know what i'm talking about) it's cathartic, though, and i think i NEED to be this way. i also feel the need to "talk it out" about nearly everything. poor eric. seriously. i try to reign it in, but it's hard. i need to write it in my "bitch book" instead.

6. i can not imagine life without my boys. if i achieve nothing more than being the best mother i can be to them, that will be enough. it scares me how many people don't take parenting as seriously as they should.

7. i don't know how much i weigh. it's been too long since i've been to the dr. (i know, i know...i need to go). i NEVER thought i would have weight issues. i was so stick thin growing up, and even as a senior in high school, i barely weighed enough to donate blood. i just don't pay enough attention to what i eat. i mean, i do eat tons of healthy things (key word: tons), but i don't restrict myself, like, at all. i love food so much, and, for example, i'm having a glass of wine right now. i need to address this, and start walking my 'hood again. it's really hilly, and a great workout. i am the queen of excuses.

8. i graduated college at 28. i dropped out my first time around, and started back after i had Eli, and just kept at it until i finally graduated last year. i remember once taking an exam and my boobs were hurting soo bad b/c i NEEDED to get home and feed Silas. i think doing it this way makes me appreciate it so much more, though. and i graduated high school at 17, and was seriously not ready to take life seriously. at least i try to take it seriously now...sometimes.

9. i NEED to be working full-time, but just can't seem to get a job. and i don't know if it's just the economy, or if i'm not giving it my all b/c i'm terrified. i stayed home with eli until he went to Kindergarten, and i feel like i'm short-changing silas if i don't do the same. i am terrified of not having enough time to do the things that make me happy, terrified of missing my time with silas, terrified of workplace politics, terrified of failing.

10. i used to make fun of people who had "online friends". ok, maybe not make fun, but i certainly thought it was slightly ridiculous. now, i know some of the kindest people on earth, and i've met them online. i've been so fortunate to have met such supportive, friendly, beautiful women in this scrapbooking world online. it makes me grateful for the internet that i can be introduced to such different people, all over the world, and know that we are all linked by not only our common interest, but just by our humanity. we can all be insecure, scared, jealous, depressed, and so on and so forth. it sure helps, though, to hear a kind word from others who are feeling or have felt the same thing. you lades are amazing, and i am lucky to call you friends.


Julie Tucker-Wolek said...


me toooooooooo.....

i cry a LOT. i am so emotional, and always have been. i was painfully shy as a child, and if i ever felt like i was in trouble, had let anyone down, was embarassed, i would just lose it. i am not shy like that anymore, but i still cry a lot.

Now....i don't watch THAT Thurs night show...(I know....what's wrong with me??? LOL!!!) But I literally had to STOP WATCHING "Ugly Betty".....because I AM HER......seriously.....the way peeps pick on her in the show...that WAS (is?) ME!!!!! I would BAWL during every episode...sad...but was a COMEDY for goodness sakes...and I'm bawling....LOL LOL LOL...loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee your list my dearest....truly heartfelt! :):):):):):):):):):):):):):):)

JessiW said...

I don't ever remember you being SHY!! You were always the entertainer..and I was the one that was shy. I guess we all handle it made jokes and entertained people, and i kept my head in mama's neck!! Great list! Although don't feel like you are short changing Silas. First of all, you have to do what you have to do in certain situations and second, some kids need different things at different times. He might enjoy spending time with other kids and it might get him ready for school:) Love, jess

Diana Fisher said...

Great post, Tonia! I am proud to call you my "online" friend!! Crying is good for you! We have biological releases for a reason... they are helpful! Good stuff here, babes!! HUG TO YOU!!!

Anonymous said...

It was soo sweet of you to share all of this. {{{Hugs}}}

Tonia_and_boys_Inc. said...

thanks for the comments, girlies.

jess, i def. grew into the "entertainer" that i early in school, i was really shy and timid, at first, and even sometimes, today, i find myself being timid of things i'm not used to.

Mo said...

hey girl! you know, i can say ditto to so many things in your list!!! wow! so sorry to hear about your friend...the loss feels a lot like breaking up with a boy...but harder to get over in my opinion....i cry all the makes me sane. it's the best way for me to unload...otherwise i explode! hugs to you my sweet! i'm so happy to have met you!


rachaelwood said...

I just have to agree with all the me too remarks. the crying, the one income, the art, the fat, the lsoing the best friend. It will get better, it has to! Hope you have a really good day!

Jane said...

aww...hugs Tonia!!! I think that all of us can relate somehow!! KWIM? You'll be fine and stop watching that show!!!

Sasha said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sasha said...

If all I say is damn good post and I can relate .. would that short change what you wrote .. cuz WOW .. this had me really taking it all in ..


Beth Perry said...

aww babe! I really loved reading more about you. I wish we had more $$ too. We need a vacay! And we have two incomes...most of it is blown on living in an overpriced apt.
(yes, we will be moving next year. lol)
that sucks about your best friend.

And I hope you are going to play with me at SJ this round!!!
going to check out your halloween embellies!!

Tonia_and_boys_Inc. said...

thanks to all of you who left me sweet messages here!!