Thursday, December 30, 2010

christmas and loss

my last post was just before i got the worst news of 2010. truthfully, it was one of the worst days of my life. i was ill-prepared for it, to say the least. mammaw sadie was 99 years old, but i kind of thought she'd live forever. we always want "one more" christmas, "one more" phone call, "one more" visit, etc.
it was a merry christmas. but i was sad. i miss my family. i miss mammaw sadie. i have good days and bad. sometimes, the grief sweeps over me like a tsunami...totally consuming. i want to call her. i still have her phone number in my phone and each time i type "m" for mom, her name comes up, and it takes me aback. i want to dial that number. i want to hear her voice. i just wish i could talk to her again. actually, i still do talk to her, but, selfishly, i wish she could talk back. in a video i took of last christmas, i said to her "i know you miss cooking" b/c she had cooked since she was "tall enough to reach the table" she said "oh, tonia, i miss everything sitting here in this chair, taking those pain pills." i know her 99 yr. old body was tired, and i know she hurt. that she is tired no more, and hurts no more, i am grateful. but, oh god, how i miss her. she lost so many loved ones in her life. i can not even imagine living beyond my children...but she outlived 2 of hers. i know she was ready to see them again. on the good days, i remind myself of how she lives on...through the love that our family shares. i am thankful that my boys knew her, and will remember her. i made her chicken soup last week, and silas said "can i have another bowl? i know you put mammaw sadie's love in there". i am actually going to make little salt shakers that are labeled "mammaw sadie's love"...and have one for us and give one to jessi. how sweet will it be to let them sprinkle that in when we are cooking together? :)

 i didn't intend on babbling on and on here. it was a good christmas, and i am so thankful for the loving family i still have with me. i am hopeful for this coming year. that's really about all i have to say right now.


jacque4u2c said...

I am so sorry! The Salt & Pepper Shaker idea is priceless!

Tonia_and_boys_Inc. said...

thank you jacque :)

Julie Tucker-Wolek said...

{{{hugs}}} my dearest.... I hope you have a good 2011! :):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):)

Jessica said...

Oh, how I miss her too. Everything I do and see reminds me of her. Ooh, thanks for the shaker:):) Sounds good! We miss you too.

Cathy said...

Tonia, I was just going through some of my blog posts and I happened upon my Sentimental post that I wrote in 2009 about making pizza and using the pot that was my Granny's. You wrote me such a sweet note. I haven't seen you since ScrapFreak split so I clicked on your blog and it opened up to this post. I'm so sorry for your loss. It is a sad time watching those that we love die. I'm still not over my granny and I still haven't erased the board that has the menu on it from her 98th birthday in 2004. I probably never will and that's ok. I still cry for her 6 years after her death and that's ok too. It just means how much we loved them and what they meant to our lives.
Hugs to you.
Here is the post that I read that brought me over to you!

Cathy La Hay